The Nativity Story, According to Rudy Giuliani
Mr. Giuliani is the personal lawyer of Donald J. Trump.
Picture it: Nazareth; the old country. A young conservative woman named Mary is engaged to be married to a carpenter named Joseph. How do we know she was conservative? She got pregnant without sexual congress. At least that’s what she told old Joe. Imagine his surprise when he found out his fiancé was knocked up. He hadn’t even cleaved unto her yet.
Needless to say, she had some explaining to do. She told him the Angel Gabriel paid her a call and told her it was God’s plan for her to deliver his son to the world. It was a perfect call. Clean. Immaculate. Joe bought it-no way was she some puttana. And they moved forward with the nuptials.
Now, the Roman Government had ordered a census so they could rob people by increasing their taxes-which is exactly what the Democrats will do if they gain control of the house. You know how all great empires fall? Taxes and sodomy.
So, instead of a honeymoon, Joe and his pregnant wife journeyed to his hometown of Bethlehem so they could register to support a bloated and corrupt government. We still haven’t seen their taxes, by the way. I ask you, why should my client be forced to give up his?
By the time they reached Bethlehem there were no rooms left at the inns, so Joseph had to build a shelter in a stable. Joe made Mary a bed of straw and she gave birth to the baby Jesus. It should have been a secret but a couple of shepherds came around poking their stugot noses in it. If you ever want to keep something a secret, keep the shepherds away from your family. Word spread that the Savior was born.
King Herod got wind of it and wasn’t happy. Last thing he needed was another king being born to challenge his rule so he ordered all the babies to be whacked. It is what it is.
Now, in the desert, under the cloak of night, the magi, three wise guys, were out working a completely legitimate camel running operation when they saw a flash of bright light. They thought they were getting pinched but were relieved to see it was only the Star of Bethlehem.
The magi followed the star to the newborn king and delivered him gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. You know, baby stuff. Definitely not the kind of graft you pay in tribute to the future capo di tutti capi in order to hedge your bets.
Joe smelled a rat. He packed his family and fled to Egypt-the last place you’d look for a Jew since the Exodus. It was the perfect cover. Eventually the whores got to Herod and his kidneys gave out to maggot-infested gangrene of the genitals. Mary, Joe and the King of Kings were free to return to Nazareth.
Joe resumed his career and taught Jesus his trade. Being the son of an established carpenter allowed Jesus to become a contractor. He had twelve guys working for him which left him plenty of time for fishing and magic tricks. He became an ordained rabbai and ended up doing more for the Jews than anyone until Donald J. Trump became the President of the United States.
As far as the Gospels go, Mark and John kept their mouths shut, Matthew and Luke are singing different stories but between the two of them, someone’s telling the truth. And that’s the beginning of the New Testament.
We have grounds to challenge just about everything in the Bible from before this time. As far as the Old Testament goes, they’ve found the Dead Sea Scrolls in caves, which proves the Jews were keeping two sets of books the whole time. Their ownership is disputed by the Palestinians but we’ve got Jared Kushner working on it and I think you’ll be surprised by some of the revelations.